


changes shape, but never ends

by Fake_Ruby



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5 Stages of Grief, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Grief, Lucky Charms, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Self Harm, learning to cope, symbolic apples
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 10:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16016204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fake_Ruby/pseuds/Fake_Ruby
Summary: Rhodey copes with Sam's death."Grief changes shape, but it never ends." -Keanu Reeves





	changes shape, but never ends

**Author's Note:**

> TW: slight self harm (see end notes for spoilery description)
> 
> Prompt: Rhodey returning to his and Sam's apartment after Sam is dusted.
> 
> For the samrhodey group chat.

It still hadn’t sunk in. That everyone was gone. God, that Sam was gone.

No. He couldn’t be. 

Rhodey fumbled for his keys then unlocked the door. It was old and jammed all the time. 

_“Oh, let the Falcon get that for you.”_

Rhodey could practically hear Sam’s voice, watch him shoulder the door open. He could see Sam turning around with that stupid grin on his face, waggling his brows and taunting Rhodey. 

_“Some_ war machine _you are.”_ He would say, and Rhodey would kiss him to shut him up.

Instead, Rhodey has to push the door open himself.

He flicks the light on to reveal an empty apartment. Rhodey drops his coat over the back of the couch, preparing for Sam’s beration.

_“My ma’d throw a fit if you did that in her house. Hang it up in the closet.”_

Rhodey kicks off his shoes, ignoring Sam’s voice in his mind. He heads down the hall, almost expecting to open the door and see Sam lying in their bed. 

Despite his exhaustion, Rhodey barely sleeps. He tosses and turns all night, reaching out for comfort that isn’t there. The bed is so cold without Sam’s warmth. The whole world is so cold without Sam.

When the first ray of sunlight starts seeping through his window, Rhodey gets out of bed. He wanders into the kitchen, automatically pouring two bowls of Lucky Charms.

It isn’t until he’s halfway through his bowl of cereal that he realizes his mistake. 

It just doesn’t feel real. Sam isn’t gone. Any minute he’ll wander in, yapping about his run with Steve. He’ll gulp down the bowl of Lucky Charms, and then ask to drink Rhodey’s sugary cereal milk.

Rhodey will call him gross but hand it over, and Sam will smile, showing off the cute gap between his front teeth.

Rhodey eats a red orange apple and two granola bars before he finally dumps the second bowl.

Three days later, Rhodey still hasn’t broken his habit of pouring two bowls. He still expects to knock arms with Sam when he brushes his teeth. Still thinks he’ll have to fight over use of the shower before they decide to just get in together. Still thinks he can roll over and wrap his arms around his partner.

The emptiness remains. 

Tony Stark comes back. He arrives with a purple and blue alien cyborg. Naturally.

Tony is unbearable, dealing with his loss by becoming more annoying. 

Normally Rhodey would help. He would drag Tony out of the lab and force him to sleep. Bring him food and shove it down Tony’s throat himself if he had to. He would crawl into Sam’s arms, and ask him for advice on how to help his friend.

Instead, Rhodey yells at him.

It’s been twenty minutes of Tony ranting, pacing the room and grinding on Rhodey’s nerves. Each word making Rhodey’s hackles rise until finally he’s had enough.

After, Rhodey can’t remember half the things he said. He knows he was cruel. He doesn’t care.

The anger becomes all consuming. He can’t control it. He takes it out on his friends. He takes it out on his walls. He takes it out on himself.

Rhodey doesn’t know how to cope with this loss.

He throws out all the Lucky Charms boxes, and refuses to eat any of Sam’s favorite foods. He mostly survives off of the blood red apples from the mini market across the street.

He storms around the apartment, stomping his feet and yelling at his furniture. 

He punches holes in his walls. Angry tears stream down his face. His knuckles burn. The sight of blood trickling down his hands soothes him. 

Eventually the anger seeps away. It takes too much energy.

Rhodey apologizes to Tony, who gives him a tight smile and a nod. They’re good.

Life is not good.

Life does not have Sam.

Life is pointless.

Rhodey starts volunteering for the efforts to fix Thanos’ damage. The world is in shambles. Rhodey may not be an inventor like Tony, but he does like fixing things.

Maybe he can fix the gaping hole in his life.

Maybe if he volunteers enough, if he’s a good enough person, Sam will come back to him.

Rhodey channels all his energy into helping. He does everything he can think of. He barely sleeps. He prays. He promises he’ll do anything to get Sam back.

Sam does not come back.

Rhodey wakes up one morning and he can’t move.

For a second, he thinks he’s paralyzed again. How did his injury come back?

It takes half an hour, but he finally pulls himself out of bed.

The trek down the hall takes a century. He puts all his energy into just putting one foot in front of the other. He makes it to the kitchen. He grabs a green apple. He stares at the dents in the apple. He doesn’t eat it.

Hours pass. 

The sun goes down.

Finally, Rhodey returns to bed.

The apple remains uneaten.

The next day, Rhodey doesn’t even attempt to get out of bed.

He lacks the energy.

He lacks the desire.

He lacks Sam.

Tony visits.

He drags Rhodey into the shower, spraying him down. Rhodey refuses to make the process any easier for Tony. 

Tony orders him to eat.

It’s usually the other way around. Except Rhodey can get food in Tony.

Tony snarks his way through the afternoon, attempting to care for Rhodey. He finally gives up and leaves, claiming he doesn’t care.

But Rhodey catches him look over his shoulder before leaving Rhodey in the bed. And Rhodey sees the tears prickling in his eyes.

Rhodey doesn’t care. He sleeps.

A week later, Rhodey takes a shower all by himself. He makes some oatmeal and eats it. He thinks he’s getting better.

Then he spends the next three days in bed.

Tony comes around and they go for a walk. 

Rhodey hasn’t been outside in so long.

The sun taunts him. It’s bright and warm and alive. Everything Sam should be.

Tony and Rhodey walk side by side in silence.

They make it back to Rhodey’s apartment. Tony pats his shoulder and wishes him well. Rhodey starts crying.

The floodgates break open and he can’t stop. He cries and cries in Tony’s arms. The sobs wrack his body until he can’t breathe. 

Tony rubs soothing circles on his back, letting his shirt become soaked with Rhodey’s tears.

Tony sleeps over that night. He can never replace Sam, no one could, but Rhodey is a little less lonely.

Rhodey starts eating and showering regularly.

He begins to visit Tony at his lab.

He starts volunteering again.

This time, it’s not in the hopes of getting Sam back. It’s one hundred percent genuine.

A month passes with only a few depressive spells. They become far and few between.

Rhodey finally makes the last push. 

He moves out of the apartment.

The reminder of Sam is too painful. He’s been clinging to the physical room as if it was Sam. But it’s not. And Sam’s not coming back.

Rhodey has to live with that.

And he will.

A year later, Rhodey has learned to live again.

He has his own apartment, not too far from the Avengers compound. He visits Tony daily, and they keep each other strong.

The world is still turning, and people have relearned how to live.

Rhodey is grocery shopping, picking up some food Tony requested, as well as some food for himself.

He picks through the apples, choosing the shiniest, juiciest apples he can find. None of them are as shiny as the ones he used to get with Sam. They’d always buy bright red apples, sweet as can be. Now Rhodey tends to buy Golden Delicious apples. Just as good, but in a different way. 

Rhodey adds the bag of apples to his cart, then heads down the aisle for Nature Valley bars. He adds a few boxes to the cart then turns around, and is faced with a wall of cereal boxes. A box of Lucky Charms stares him down. 

Rhodey picks it up, looks at it for a few seconds, and places it in his cart.

**Author's Note:**

> Self harm: Rhodey punches walls in frustration which cuts up his knuckles. He enjoys the pain and sight of blood. It's only a couple sentences and doesn't go into much more detail than this.
> 
>  
> 
> You may have noticed the apples Rhodey eats change color/condition throughout the story. Sam and Rhodey usually buy and eat shiny red apples. When Rhodey is first living without Sam, the apple is more of an orange color, representing that there has been a change. However, Rhodey is still in a denial stage, so the apple isn't much different than normal. When Rhodey is going through the anger stage, the apple is blood red. That one's pretty obvious since the color red is associated with anger (plus Rhodey's actual blood). There is an absence of apples during the bargaining stage. Rhodeys is trying to change and improve. The apples could be considered something he's "giving up" in exchange for having Sam back. Next is depression, and the apples are green and have dents. They're way different from the standard set for apples. No longer a warm color, but cold. Not bright and vivid, but dull and dented. Which is how Rhodey is feeling. Finally, during the acceptance stage, Rhodey is buying green apples in the best condition he can find. Life has changed drastically without Sam. He is no longer buying red apples. Apples are green now. However, Rhodey has healed some. He is coping. He's buying apples that are in good condition. The apples change shape but they never end.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated :)


End file.
